


Day 3: Commander Handsome

by Erwins_eyebrows



Series: Erwin Week 2017 [3]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-10
Updated: 2017-10-10
Packaged: 2019-01-15 17:53:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,324
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12325905
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Erwins_eyebrows/pseuds/Erwins_eyebrows
Summary: Hange conspires to pimp Erwin out for a night through a bachelor auction.





	Day 3: Commander Handsome

**Author's Note:**

> This is complete trash, but it's Erwin Week, so I had to try.

“Hange, no.”

“Oh come on , Erwin. It's for a good cause. You're sending a donation anyway.”

“Yes, a monetary donation. That is all.” Erwin Smith looked up from his computer to look his assistant in the eyes. His icy blue stare had been known to make grown men wet themselves in fear, but Hange was unfazed.

“Erwin,” she whined. “Live a little. It's only for one night. Offer up your body...I mean heart for charity.”

“I said no. Hange I refuse to be sold out to the highest bidder like cattle. You forget how often I have to rub elbows with these people. I know who usually wins the bidding.” Erwin shuddered and turned back to his monitor, clearly dismissing the conversation.

“It's just one date, Erwin. Surely you can tolerate it for that long.” Erwin arched a large blonde eyebrow. “But you're so pretty! You're just wasting all that pretty by locking yourself in your office all the time.”

“Hange, please, just drop this. I repeat: I will not participate in a bachelor auction.” Erwin didn’t even bother looking away from the spreadsheet he was working on this time.

“Your pathetic single status made it into Forbes the other day. Rumor is that you’re a eunuch.” Hange sat down in a chair and propped her feet on Erwin’s desk.

“I doubt Forbes cares about my romantic status. As for being a eunuch, I’m sure that is more from a gossip rag than a reputable publication.”

“Gah, Erwin! You’re missing the point!” Hange about fell out of the chair. “This is just one fun little thing to get you to mingle, and help a good cause.” Erwin gave Hange a side glance. She was wearing him down.

“No.”

“Please.”

“Still no.”

“All the cool kids are doing it. Mike has even signed up.”

“If that is the best argument you have to offer, then, hell no.”

“Tell you what, don’t make your donation yet. Set aside that money. I’ll take it to the auction, and if I think that you will be miserable going out with the winning bidder, then I’ll bid on you and bail you out. BUT...only if I think that you will be totally miserable.”

“Tempting...but no.”

“I'm just going to beg until you give in.”

“Fine,” Erwin said with an exasperated sigh. “Only if you go as a backup. We will find a way to communicate if I'm willing to wine and dine the high bidder. They better not make me do anything embarrassing, like a wet t-shirt contest or something.”

“Please, this is for a children’s hospital. They have to at least keep it PG.”

“Hange...I think you just became my pimp.” Hange’s responding cackle haunted Erwin’s dreams for days.

*****

“Levi, are you sure I can’t convince you to join the auction?” Petra asked as she was going through the bachelor applicant paperwork. “I need someone decent. I've only come across a couple okay ones so far.”

“I've already told you no. I'm already catering this for you. There is no way in hell you’re going to get me anywhere near the auction block.” Levi was helping her go through the applications.

“Look at this one. Dimo Reeves, age 55, short and fat and bald! He has pretty eyes I guess but he looks like some sort of mob boss. He has a chain of dry cleaning businesses, so I guess he has a lot of money.” Petra showed Levi the picture attached to the application.

“Well, isn’t that a prerequisite to this thing, having a lot of money?” Levi flipped through a few applications and pulled out another one. “I think I found your winner. Nicholas Lobov, local politician, personal injury lawyer, lobbyist for big pharma, age 58. Not quite as short, but generally disgusting looking. Looks almost like a fat Hitler with that facial hair. Really no redeeming qualities.” Petra groaned in dismay.

“How am I going to sell any dates? So far, I’ve got one. ONE! Mike Zacharias, 32, gym owner and personal trainer. He’s pretty hot, but I can’t make a lot of money off one man! This is a disaster. The first year I’m in charge of the auction and it’s going to be a complete bust.” Petra dropped her head to the table in exasperation.

“Well, at least you have one, that’s better than none.” Levi picked up the picture of Mike Zacharias. “He is pretty hot. Big nose though. I’d do him.”

“Thanks, Levi, you’re so helpful.” Petra pulled out another random application. “Hello, Commander Handsome. What I wouldn’t do to you.”

“I take it you found one.” Levi thumbed through a couple more and sat a couple to the side.

“Erwin Smith, age 33, blonde haired, blue eyed god! Former military. Now owns Recon Corps, a strategy management firm. Made Fortune magazine’s Top 40 Under 40 list. I think my ovaries just exploded.”

“You’re disgusting. He can’t be that great.” Levi snatched the photo from Petra. “Fuck me.”

“Exactly.”

“There’s gotta be something wrong with him,” Levi stated.

“You’re just a pessimist. Besides, I’m just selling one night with him, not happily ever after. In fact, I could care less what happens after I get money in my hand.” Petra was practically drooling.

“I bet he’s gay,” Levi said flippantly.

“I don’t care. You can bid on him, then.”

“As if.”

******

“Hange, I’m leaving. Tell them I backed out. Give them twice the normal donation. I’m not doing this.” Erwin paced backstage. He was smartly dressed in a dark gray suit, perfectly tailored. His blonde hair was neatly parted and slicked back. He was freshly shaven, and his aftershave smelled heavenly.

“Erwin, you can’t back out now!” She grabbed his arm to still his pacing.

“Like hell! You promised I wouldn’t have to humiliate myself.” Erwin looked around his assistant to see yet another bachelor being stripped of their shirt. “I am not stripping like...like…”

“A stripper?”

“Exactly!”

“Well, if it helps, I don’t think it was meant to happen. That one guy, Zeke, just kind of set the bar and the rest felt the need follow suit. I think this has been the best auction they’ve had yet!” Hange left to check out the crowd’s response, leaving Erwin to resume his pacing.

*****

“Oh my gosh, Levi. Can you believe it? We’ve already doubled last year’s donations. I was worried when that Zeke guy started stripping, but it turns out to be the best thing yet!”

“Petra, calm down. You have to remember, not all of those men need to be taking off their shirts. When I think about that Marlowe guy…”

“Petra! Oh my goodness, what are you doing here?”

“Hange? I haven’t seen you in ages. I’m in charge of the event. What are you doing here?” The two women embraced and Levi rolled his eyes as he set up another tray of stuffed mushrooms.

“This is your doing? Good thing I talked my boss into doing this then.”

“Which one of these impressive studs do you work for? The fat Hitler, or the dry cleaning mob boss?” Levi asked.

“Neither. Who are you?” Hange asked, looking Levi up and down.

“The caterer. What’s it to you?”

“You’re not participating in the auction?”

“Hell no,” Levi snorted.

“Any interest in bidding?” Hange asked.

“Going once, going twice. SOLD! Jean Kirstein to the brunette in the corner for $1,500.”

“Sorry, can’t afford to pay that for a date. I guess I’ll just do it the old fashioned way.” Levi turned and offered another tray to a server.

“What if the money wasn’t yours?”

“What are you trying to do, shitty glasses?”

“I want you to bid on my boss. I’ll provide the cash, all you have to do is bid.” Levi’s eyes narrowed in suspicion.

“What’s the catch? What if I don’t want to bid on your boss? He must be a real winner if you are trying to get dates for him.”

“He’s up next. You don’t have to bid if you’re not interested. But if interested, feel free to bid.” Hange smiled and Petra’s eyes went wide.

“Petra, you know who is next,” Levi guessed.

“It’s-”

“No, don’t tell him. He’ll bid.”

“Come on, Levi. Let’s go up front.” Petra all but dragged him.

“Next up, we have Commander Handsome, Erwin Smith. We will start the bidding...wait, Mr. Smith, please come out.” The blonde was almost pushed onto the stage, still hanging on to his shirt and suit jacket.

“Take it off!” A woman in the back shouted and the man paled.

“Yeah, come on!” Music starting playing.

“Come on Commander. Give me something to work with here.”

“Fine.” With his mouth pressed in a thin line and blue eyes filled with fury, Erwin shrugged out of his jacket. The movement was unintentionally sensual, obviously habitual, but it set the room into a tizzy.

“Okay, that's what I'm looking for. Let's start the bidding at-

“500 dollars!” A woman yelled. Erwin looked positively appalled.

“600!”

“750, if he takes off some more!”

“Well Mr. Smith, what will it be?”

Jaw clenched, he ripped off his tie with a snap, indignation burning in his chest.

“800!”

“1,000.” The calm, deep voice seemingly echoed through the room, and, for a moment, all was quiet. Erwin looked over to see a beautiful younger man with ebony hair. Now, that was a date he could live with.

“1,250!” A woman shouted, overcoming the temporary shock. Blue eyes met gray, and Erwin could feel his pulse racing. He loosened the top two buttons of his white dress shirt in order to swallow past the lump that formed in his throat.

“1,500! Keep taking it off, baby!” Erwin stared at the red headed cat-caller in shock for a moment before looking back at the man who had bid on him. There was a slight nod of encouragement. Erwin finished unbuttoning his shirt and pulled it off, leaving him in a white undershirt.

“1,750,” the man bid again. Their eyes never left each other's.

“2,000!”

Erwin toyed with the hem of his undershirt. The dark haired man licked his lips. He pulled the shirt up a couple of inches, showing his sculpted abdomen. The screaming started, so he finished pulling it off. Bids came pouring in.

“5,000,” that deep voice announced. Everyone stared in shock.

“5,000. Going once, going twice, SOLD!”

*****

Petra and Hange was celebrating as Levi met up with them to finalize payment. As soon as he approached, Hange threw an arm over his shoulder.

“I knew you would bid!”

“I still think there is a catch. Is he some weirdo like 50 Shades of Grey?” Levi and Hange filled out the paperwork for Petra as they waited for Erwin.

“I liked that book...and the movie,” Petra whined.

“The only thing separating Christian Grey from a restraining order is a trailer park. He only gets by with that shit because he's rich. If I were to act like that, I would be in jail for stalking, sexually deviant behavior, and-”

“You're a sexual deviant? This might be an interesting date after all.” Levi turned to see Erwin standing behind him. His undershirt was back on as well as his unbuttoned dress shirt. His tie was sticking out of the pocket of his trousers and jacket flung over his shoulder.

“Erwin! This Levi Ackerman. He was kind enough to help me save you from a fate worse than death,” Hange explained.

“Oh, I see. You were bidding in place of Hange. So, I guess I technically I bought a date with myself.” Disappointment was evident in Erwin's tone.

“Like hell! You just eye fucked me for past ten minutes. You at least owe me dinner.”

“Of course. Just name the day.” Erwin smiled for the first time that evening and Levi swore his heart stopped for few seconds.

“How about now? The auction is almost over and my staff can handle the rest.”

“Okay.” Erwin looked at his watch. “I hope I can find a restaurant open at this hour.”

“I know just the place.”

*****

“You are a wicked, wicked man,” Erwin sighed as Levi lapped up the last of the caramel sauce clinging to the blonde’s abs.

“Tastes good,” Levi said while licking his lips. Erwin buried his fingers in Levi's hair and pulled him up.

“Let me have a taste, then,” the blonde whispered against Levi's lips before capturing them in a heated kiss. He devoured Levi's mouth and suckled on his tongue before pulling back with a nip to his lips followed by a swipe of tongue. “Yes, delicious.”

They were in Levi's apartment, stretched out on a blanket in the living room floor, the remains of their impromptu picnic surrounding them. Levi had prepared dinner, which was beyond delicious. They engaged in a delightful conversation that seemed to flow naturally between them. Some moments serious, others in heated debate, then to flirtatious teasing. What had started as an innocent sharing of dessert quickly descended into a heated make out session with food that lead to incredible, sticky sex.

“We should probably take a shower. We will start sticking together if we don't,” Levi murmured as he kissed the spot behind Erwin's ear.

“I don't think I mind being stuck to you,” the blonde responded.

“That's just gross. Come on, Commander Handsome, let's go have shower sex.”

“Getting dirty while getting clean. I like it.” Erwin stood and pulled Levi to his feet. “And what are your feelings on morning sex?”

“I'll be a right bitch if it doesn't happen,” Levi said leading Erwin to the bathroom.

“Oh, it will happen. Morning sex is my favorite.”

“Good. Now get your pretty ass in the shower and get cleaned up. I'm not done with you yet. I plan on getting your money's worth out of this date.”

 

 


End file.
